I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. It was a never-ending dark cloud continuously hovering over me, holding me back, causing me to make bad decisions and messing up any shred of happiness. Anyone who has ever suffered from depression will tell you the same thing.
Even as a child, I can remember feeling blue for no good reason. In high school, I would be walking home from my day and have that feeling creep over my shoulder and drag me down. I was an active student, got good grades, had lots of friends. There was no reason to feel badly.
In college I found ways of coping, mostly with drugs and alcohol. It dulled the dulling of the depression to a more manageable dullness. Unfortunately, the feeling did not stay at a manageable level and just increased over time.
The feeling of depression is a sneaky little fuck. It isn't that severe like a lot of other ailments. It's something you get used to over time. It feels more like a flat, dull, tunnel vision. It's like a fog. A fog that saps you of any enthusiasm for anything. Even things that I did enjoy, were almost out of the question when I was depressed. It ruined my chances with friends, girlfriends, employers etc. On and on. It was completely debilitating at times. I just wanted to stay in bed and go to sleep or worse.
Through the years, I did try to find an answer. I went to my M.D. and he prescribed anti-depressants. I took a few different ones until I found one that didn't make me dizzy. And they worked, for a while. But the depression always found a way back in. The effects of the drug wore off. It was part of the insidious nature of depression.
The worst of times were really bad. I would wake up in the middle of the night not knowing where the hell I was, scared half to death, my heart racing in a cold sweat. I was almost always cranky. Anger was always just below the surface. And even though I wasn't a hot head and just about the most easy going guy there is, I was constantly angry. Even the smallest thing would piss me off. And I couldn't let go of it. It would linger and torture me. The worst of times had my brain racing and not in a good way. All sorts of horrible, evil thoughts crossed my mind not the least of them being suicide. Thank goodness I was too much of a coward for that. Not being able to think clearly was really awful. I just couldn't turn off all the crazy thoughts going on in my head.
I finally got tired of feeling badly. In the back of my mind I had imagined it was some kind of vitamin deficiency. So, in my mid-forties, I went on a vegetable diet with a whole regimen of vitamins. And it worked! But every once in a while, the depression would rear its ugly head again and make me wonder what was going on. When something bad happened, I would default to my comfort foods: Mac and cheese, Mexican food with flour tortillas, grilled cheese sandwiches. Bad, bad, bad.
I didn't know what gluten was until my mid-forties watching the PBS cooking show "America's Test Kitchen." They explained it was one of two proteins in wheat that are essentially the glue in baked goods. Those air holes in bread are the result of the gluten holding the bread molecules together making a network or lattice. Gluten is an essential part of well-made baked goods. The more holes in the bread, the better.
It wasn't until I heard about the tennis player, Novak Djokovic, and his problems with gluten that I finally got the message. He was already superstar in the tennis world. His rise to the top was phenomenal. But, even at the top of the game, he wasn't winning the big matches. He would be in the late stages of a Grand Slam finals match and suddenly his game would come off the rails. He felt weak and sick to his stomach with respiratory problems almost like an asthmatic attack. His mental focus would just go away and inevitably would lose the match. This was a very talented, supremely-conditioned athlete at the top of his game. He needed to find an answer.
In his book, "Serve to Win" he states that going gluten-free was the key to removing the physical and psychological barriers holding him back from winning. It took a little time for his body to adjust, but when it did, he went straight to the top and has not looked back. He has been the number one player in the world for some time now beating the other Hall-of-Fame players of his generation, like Roger Federer and Raphael Nadal. He managed to lose some weight, and got stronger. Every aspect of his game improved and most importantly, at that level of sport, so did his mental focus.
I had started to go gluten free in 2014. I was avoiding things I knew had gluten in them. I still wasn't convinced until I had pizza in the summer of 2014 with my cousins from Tucson. This uncertainty way ripped away the next morning. I can not remember being so completely debilitated like that. I felt almost sick like I was getting the flu. I was extremely dizzy to the point I couldn't stand up for long. I had no energy and practically no will to even live. My mental state was nearly suicidal. But it was THE crucial moment in my life and the key to my future happiness.
Wheat is in everything, especially practically all processed foods. It's in the most unlikely of food products. I read the labels of everything I buy at the grocery store like a madman. The easiest way to avoid this is not to buy anything in a can, box or bag. There are whole isles in the supermarket that are off limits now. The entire cereal isle is out, except for Rice Chex and the cracker and cookie isle are a no go also. Again, there are one or two cracker products made from rice and not wheat. The grocery store keeps adding more and more gluten-free products, but even when it's labeled as such, it's not still completely safe. Some so-called gluten-free products still set me off. It has been quite the learning process.
Another great book is called "Wheat Belly." It explains how wheat as a crop has changed through years to its current form. The wheat plant is not the same plant a generation or two ago enjoyed. The glutenin and gliadin molecules are the plants defense against parasites, fungus, and has made the plant almost impervious to harmful pests. Hybridization has rendered it almost a super plant, drought resistant and has dramatically increased the yield of the crop. The many benefits are completely nullified by the harmful effects on the body though. Brain fog, the death of the good bacterial in the gastrointestinal tract are just a couple of the side-effects. The death of the good bacteria in your lower G.I. has a tremendous effect on hormone production and your mental state. It sure did mine.
Is gluten something everyone should be concerned about? Maybe not. I know have a sensitivity or possibly am allergic to it. Celiac's disease is a very real and potentially deadly medical condition a very small percentage of people have to wheat products. This was not my situation making it even more difficult to diagnose. My medical doctor sure had no idea. A psychologist I was tested by diagnosed me with a chemical dependency problem. While this was a correct diagnosis, it was a coping mechanism for a different kind of chemical imbalance caused by gluten.
I wonder how it affect others though. I would imagine the world could be a better place if more people knew about this. There isn't a lot of medical science behind this yet. I've seen a few studies here and there with inconclusive results. And I would imagine there is plenty of disinformation out there from people in the wheat related industries.
It has taken me about a year to realize the full benefit of going gluten-free. Today, I seriously could not be more happy. Okay, fabulously rich married to a super model would be something to try. But seriously, I sleep like a baby every night. I dream like Steven Spielberg (and Larry Flint) is in my head cooking up the most amazing stuff. I wake up refreshed, alert and like I just won the lottery. I have a song in my head and a spring in my step. I find the humor in almost everything and laugh all the time. I have my serious moments too, but mostly I am just elated to be free of the depression.
The one side effect I will admit to is being a bit fragile emotionally. I am practically reborn and most of the time, everything seems brand new like I'm experiencing it for the very first time. I take things way too personally and very extra sensitive. Maybe I always was. I have empathy for things and people like never before. A sappy romantic comedy is a sure fire way to get me all teared up. This is such a contrast to a point in my depression I felt absolutely nothing.
Now, my mind is not clouded with the fog of depression and I can think about the deeper and more important things in life. I can not get enough philosophy, politics, science and, of course, all things photography related in my brain fast enough. I am devouring books and the internet for everything and anything even remotely interesting. I am friendly, gregarious and genuinely happy to meet new people. Again, this is a complete contrast to the misanthropic hermit I was in the bad daze.
It is a bit daunting though. I'm 53 years old. Most of my life is behind me. I still have plenty of good years ahead of me, but I feel way late to the party. The things I'm doing now, I should have been doing in my 20s and 30s. And I feel really alone at times. I have few friends mostly from being such a psycho for so long. Both my parents are gone and my sister and I have a barely polite relationship.
There is a lot of water under the bridge with my sister and even though I've reached out to her several times, she has not really responded. I see her once a year when she is in the valley to play golf with her friends on vacation. I get a text from her on my birthday and maybe a phone call during the holidays. I guess I should be thankful she has anything to do with me at all. Time will tell if she comes around. And I don't blame her one bit. I was a complete asshole plenty of times through the years. A couple times were real doozies leaving her high and dry in very difficult situations.
I do wish my Mom was still around to see the real me again. She was my biggest fan, best friend and greatest supporter. She wanted so badly for me to be well and whole again. No one knew me like she did and knew I was still in there somewhere. I miss her with all my heart. Losing a parent is the hardest thing most people will have to endure and it sure was for me. That feeling of loss never goes away either. It's always right there when you think about it. I know I'm not alone in this.
So, now, I am free to do the things in life I have always wanted to do. I can pursue my dreams and follow my heart. There is nothing holding me back... except the normal things we all suffer; Fear, doubt, procrastination. But those all pale in comparison to where I was before. I am extremely enthusiastic about the future. And things are getting better and better every single day. I hope the rest of the world will look past this 53 year old facade and let me in. I am so ready to be a part of life, like never before, finally fully awake.
